Grief Is Love by Marisa Renee Lee

Grief Is Love by Marisa Renee Lee

Published April 2022 by Grand Central Publishing

192 pages

Publisher's Summary:

 In Grief is Love, author Marisa Renee Lee reveals that healing does not mean moving on after losing a loved one—healing means learning to acknowledge and create space for your grief. It is about learning to love the one you lost with the same depth, passion, joy, and commitment you did when they were alive, perhaps even more. She guides you through the pain of grief—whether you’ve lost the person recently or long ago—and shows you what it looks like to honor your loss on your unique terms, and debunks the idea of a grief stages or timelines. Grief is Love is about making space for the transformation that a significant loss requires. 

In beautiful, compassionate prose, Lee elegantly offers wisdom about what it means to authentically and defiantly claim space for grief’s complicated feelings and emotions. And Lee is no stranger to grief herself, she shares her journey after losing her mother, a pregnancy, and, most recently, a cousin to the COVID-19 pandemic. These losses transformed her life and led her to question what grief really is and what healing actually looks like. In this book, she also explores the unique impact of grief on Black people and reveals the key factors that proper healing requires: permission, care, feeling, grace and more. 

The transformation we each undergo after loss is the indelible imprint of the people we love on our lives, which is the true definition of legacy. At its core, Grief is Love explores what comes after death, and shows us that if we are able to own and honor what we’ve lost, we can experience a beautiful and joyful life in the midst of grief.

My Thoughts: 

I caught just a bit of Glennon Doyle speaking with Marisa Renee Lee about her grief experience and this book and knew immediately that I needed to buy a copy for my sister...and then decided that I needed to read it as well. So I checked it out from the library so that not only could we both read it, but we could read it together.

Is it good, you might be asking. Well, let's just start by saying that I haven't put this many sticky notes into a book in a very long time, especially a book this short. 

"Our culture glorifies the idea of just sucking is up, moving on, and being tough. This is part of what makes living with loss challenging."

Which is part of the reason employers give so little bereavement leave. I got three days when my mom died. Three days. Three days were gone before we even got to the day of the funeral. After five days I returned to work. I'd been so busy taking care of my dad and getting things ready for the funeral that I had hardly started to grieve. Afterward, I rarely gave myself permission to grieve. That is one of Lee's primary messages - we must give ourselves permission to grieve, in whatever way that is for us, for the rest of our lives. Because if grief is love, as Lee says it is;  and because we loved our person, we will never entirely stop grieving them. 

Lee talks about the toll grief takes on relationships, gives readers permission to feel joy and laugh and anger even as we experience grief, asks us to give ourselves grace (yeah, that spoke to me, given that "grace" is my word of the year), and tells readers that the death of a loved one should change you, should make you want to live in a way that will be a legacy to your loved one. 

"Joy is a basic right. Don't feel cast aside from your grief; you need to entitle yourself to the joy you deserve. If you are going to live a full life after loss, you have to find your way back to joy." 

"I failed to understand that the death of a loved one, of someone you hold dear, should change you. That is their mark on the world. You are their mark on this world." 

My sister and I have spent a lot of time texting back and forth about different pages in this book; she'll be coming this way soon and I expect that we'll spend a lot to time together talking about it even more. I am certain I will be buying myself a copy of this book to put on my shelf, next to Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, Atul Gawande's Being Mortal and Steve Leder's The Beauty of What Remains. I would recommend it to anyone dealing with grief, especially those who are preparing for grief as a loved one is dying or black women (Lee, as a black woman, speaks eloquently about the ways being a black woman makes grief even more difficult to navigate). 

The Scent Keepr by Erica Bauermeister

The Scent Keeper by Erica Bauermeister

Published May 2019 by St Martin's Publishing Group

Read by Gabra Zackman

9 hrs, 34 mins

Publisher's Summary: 

Emmeline lives an enchanted childhood on a remote island with her father, who teaches her about the natural world through her senses. What he won’t explain are the mysterious scents stored in the drawers that line the walls of their cabin, or the origin of the machine that creates them. As Emmeline grows, however, so too does her curiosity, until one day the unforeseen happens, and Emmeline is vaulted out into the real world—a place of love, betrayal, ambition, and revenge. To understand her past, Emmeline must unlock the clues to her identity, a quest that challenges the limits of her heart and imagination.

Publisher's Summary: 

This is my fourth Erica Bauermeister book - I missed it's publication but I've been looking forward to enjoying more of her work ever since I finished The Lost Art of Mixing in 2014 (preceded by two of her books in 2011). 

I was so looking forward to what has become Bauermeister's forte - casts of characters brought together to lean on each other to overcome adversity, with each character having their own chapters to develop their stories. I didn't even look at the summary when I requested this book from the library (again!). That preconceived expectation I had going into this book almost certainly colored my opinion of the book, much to this book's detriment. I didn't get my cast of characters in The Scent Keeper or all of their back stories. 

There is also what I would best call a sense of magical realism or fantasy to this book. As you know, magical realism and/or fantasy are elements in books that I struggle with. Sometimes they work for me. Because they do, I wouldn't have dismissed this book out of hand had I read in the summary that Emmeline's father had a machine that could capture scents, which he stored in bottles. Most often, though those elements don't work for me in a book. Unfortunately, this was one of those books. 

Kirkus Reviews calls this book an "artfully crafted coming-of-age story." Lately I've been finding myself agreeing with Kirkus more and more but I'm afraid I have to disagree with them on this one. Even given the element of fantasy in the first part of this book, Emmeline's time on the island with her father, that was my favorite part of the book (although Zackman's reading of Emmeline's father's voice didn't work for me at all). Bauermeister's writing in this really shown, with her sublime descriptions of the nature surrounding Emmeline. Once Emmeline leaves the island Bauermeister seems to lean more on stereotypes and tropes than I've seen before in her work. 

I can't help but wonder what I might have made for this book had I known ahead of time what the book was about. Or had I read the book in print, rather than in audiobook form. Might I have seen Bauermeister's characters as the individuals she no doubt meant them to be? Might I have been more willing to accept the fantasy elements - the machine, Emmeline's ability to "read" people by their scents and the scents they leave behind? Perhaps. For now, I will just look forward to what Bauermeister is working on now. 

Life: It Goes On - August 7

Happy Sunday! Hot, hot, hot - it's been so hot here this past week! When the temperature is similar to Arizona's but it's not a dry heat, that's not good! It was finally cool-ish enough Friday evening that we could turn on the lights on the patio and spend some dusk time out there but it was too humid for both The Big Guy and the cat so we didn't stay out long. Between the heat and me not being able to find a chair outside that is comfortable to sit in for any period of time this year, there have been few nights on the patio all summer and I'm feeling cheated! There's still most of August, right?!

Last Week I: 

 Listened To: I finished The Scent Keeper yesterday. Next up is Patrick Radden Keefe's Rogues: True Stories for Grifters, Killers, Rebels, and Crooks. It's a collection of his previously published essays. I haven't read a collection of essays in a while so I'm looking forward to it. 

Watched: Quite by accident (in other words, there was nothing else of interest on tv and we couldn't be bothered to pull up one of our streaming services) we ended up watching The Last Night In Soho. No idea when we started what we were in for and when we were finished neither of us was quite sure what we thought of it. 

Read: The same books as last week - I'm still reading only about 30 pages a day, even though I spend plenty of time sitting on my rear doing other things. 

Made: My work team had team bonding afternoon on Friday. We started at a place called The Makery, where we spent a couple of hours creating door hangers. I inadvertently grabbed the wrong cutout word and ended up with a much smaller "hello" than I had planned on having (and didn't feel like paying the extra to add some color to the bow) but otherwise, I'm pretty happy with my result. It was a lot of fun and I'd like to go back and try my hand at another one. 

Enjoyed: I received a card from my sister this week, on the front of which is one of her "doodles" of the two of us. I loved the sentiment contained in the card but I will treasure the drawing - it so represents the two of us! We also got to celebrate Mini-him's birthday finally and were joined by my dad and some family friends from California who we haven't seen in several years. It was bittersweet to see them since the man who had introduced them to us, one of my dad's friends from childhood, passed away a couple of years ago and we always miss him when we were altogether. I kept thinking, too, how much my mom would have loved to be with us. 

This Week I’m:  

Planning: On bringing up a table to work on - I know I said that a couple of weeks ago but it hasn't happened yet. You know, I had that puzzle to spend all last weekend on! <insert palm to face emoji here>

Thinking About: My dad has picked a place in Omaha and will be moving this fall. This is where the part of my mom that lives in me comes into full play - my mom loved to have something to plan for and organize. I know we will feel her guiding hand as we navigate this process, which is going to be very hard as we say goodbye to the house my parents bought in 1968. The house we grew up in, the place that holds so many memories. I will try to live with that by throwing myself into making this as easy for my dad as possible. I've already printed out the floor plan so I can start graphing out what furniture will fit where and thinking about how to bring as many memories with him as possible. 

Feeling: My feelings this week are mixed. I'm excited to report that my back is doing so much better that I'm able to cut down to one physical therapy session next week and then we'll see where we're at. Concerned for my sister and wishing I were closer to her. Happy that my dad will be so close to us soon. 

Looking forward to: A quiet week, I think. Although I haven't actually looked at this week's calendar yet today. 

Question of the week: If you were going to be making a move like the one my dad will be making, what things would be most important to you to bring with you?

Lit: Uniquely Portable Magic

I have three book going right now but nothing to review so I figured it was time for another dig in the vaults to see what kind of bookishness (sometimes my brain forgets that a word is a word and I'm surprised when it doesn't light up red!) I can find to share with you!

Ever heard the term "book-wrapt?" This article from the New York Times, How Many Books Does It Take To Make a Place Feel Like Home tells us it's a term coined by computer systems architect turned author of a book about the architecture and furnishing of domestic book rooms. He uses the term to "describe the exhilarating comfort of a well stocked library. I have quite a lot of books (both books I've read and carefully chosen to keep and those that I haven't picked up yet) but I would hardly call what we have a "well stocked library." After reading this article, I really want to find a way to bring all of my books together in one place. Maybe. Or maybe I'll leave them spread out in seven different rooms in my house so that I can take comfort in books no matter where I am in my house. What about you? Do you have a well stocked library? And have you ever been "book-wrapt?"

Restauranteur Alice Waters home. Waters estimates she has approximately 1800 books. 

School is right around the corner but it's not too late to read to your child to help prepare them for kindergarten. Growing Book by Book has this list of 101 Books To Read To Kids Before Kindergarten. If your child is no where near ready to start school than you're really in luck because there are books for all ages up to kindergarten. And let's be serious - most kids want to hear the same books over and over - it's going to take some time to get through 101 books!

From Catapult comes this article titled How Fairy Tales Teach Us To Love The Unknowable. You know how much I love fairy tales (ok, maybe if you're fairly new here you don't, what with the dearth of Fairy Tale Fridays that I've posted in the last couple of years). It's less an article about the unknown in general but more an article about the unknown in romance as seen through the lens of fairy tales. Not so much the kind of fairy tales we typically think of when we think of romantic fairy tales, but more the kind that show readers that sometimes you really have to work for your love and that you don't know what you're getting into when you fall in love. It fits right in with a discussion I had today with a coworker today about how when we marry young, we are taking it on faith that we will grow and mature in the same way. But the truth is, we are really entering into the unknown any time we get married. 

It's late, I'm tired, and I've got those three books going and should probably pick one of them up for a bit so that's it for me this week. Do you have any good bookish articles to share with me?

The Girl In HIs Shadow by Audrey Blake

The Girl In His Shadow by Audrey Blake

12 hours, 52 minutes

Read by Susan Lyons

Published May 2021

Publisher's Summary: 

Rescued from a pandemic's wreckage and raised by the eccentric surgeon Dr. Horace Croft, orphan Nora Beady cares little for Victorian conventions. While other young ladies busy themselves with needlework and watercolors, Nora perfects her sutures and anatomical illustrations. 

Women face dire consequences if caught practicing medicine, but in Croft's private clinic, Nora is his most trusted-and secret-assistant. That is, until the new surgical resident, Dr. Daniel Gibson, arrives. He never suspects Nora is more qualified than he is, and to protect herself she'll have to play a new and uncomfortable role-a proper young lady. 

But pretense has limits. Confronted by suffering patients, Nora cannot hide her skill, even if it means giving Gibson the power to ruin everything she's worked for. And when she makes a discovery that could change the medical field forever, Nora faces an impossible choice: remain invisible and let the men around her take credit for her work, or let the world see her for what she is-even if it means being destroyed by her own legacy.

My Thoughts: 

I'm not entirely sure how I found out about the Big Library Read, hosted by Overdrive; but when I did, it felt like just the kind of book I'd enjoy - historical fiction, a strong woman breaking barriers. I think it also, subconsciously, made me think of my mom, a thought that come to me consciously almost as soon as I started listening to the book and stayed with me throughout. Oh how I wish she were still here so that I could recommend this one to her. I'm happy to say, though, that my dad is reading it as well; he has the luxury of not having having the book yanked back from him by the library after two weeks, so he's still reading. But we're enjoying having discussions about the book. Some quick thoughts about the book:

• While the Big Library Read was meant to be an ebook read, I listened to this one and would highly recommend Susan Lyons' work. She did a fine job with all of the voices, male and female.
• This book should maybe come with a warning that there are medical procedures which are very detailed. Not necessarily gory; just very detailed. Blake clearly knows what she's talking about, though; it definitely adds credibility to the story. 
• Blake shows readers the seamier side of medicine, a side as much about legitimate medicine as hacks. Here we can see that a lot of what we owe current day medicine to came by means that were considered distasteful and illegal even in the 19th century. 
• While I don't think it will be any surprise to any reader what develops between Nora and Daniel, Blake doesn't give readers the traditional happily-ever-after ending, which I very much appreciated. Likewise, another early contender for Nora's affections doesn't turn out to be the pat bad guy. 
• I'm always happy to read about strong women in history, even if they are made up. Here Nora struggles with finding her place even within the household she lives in but her strength never wavers. 
• One quibble I had with the book was, what felt like to me, an overabundance of comparisons in descriptions, often comparisons that I found a bit odd. 
• I couldn't help but compare Horace Croft to Henry Higgins and Nora to Eliza Doolittle (from My Fair Lady or Pygmalion). Again we have an eccentric specialist who takes on a lower class young woman and transforms her (although without the eventual coupling of the two). 
• This would make a really good book club selection; there is a lot to discuss here. 

Maybe what I liked most about this book was that it felt like my mom was with me throughout. Which may be just what I've been looking for in every book I've read in the past year and a half.